20. "That's weird..."
19. "It's never done that before."
18. "It worked yesterday."
17. "How is that possible?"
16. "It must be a hardware problem."
15. "What did you type in wrong to get it to crash?"
14. "There is something funky in your data."
13. "I haven't touched that module in weeks!"
12. "You must have the wrong version."
11. "It's just some unlucky coincidence."
10. "I can't test everything!"
9. "THIS can't be the source of THAT."
8. "It works, but it hasn't been tested."
7. "Somebody must have changed my code."
6. "Did you check for a virus on your system?"
5. "Even though it doesn't work, how does it feel?
4. "You can't use that version on your system."
3. "Why do you want it to do that anyway?"
2. "Where were you when the program blew up?"
And the Number One reply by programmers when their programs don't work:
1. "It works on my machine."
Sunday, October 21, 2007
The Top 20 replies by programmers when their programs do not work
101 Ways To Annoy People
1. Sing the Batman theme incessantly.
2. In the memo field of all your checks, write "for sensual massage."
3. Specify that your drive-through order is "to go."
4. Learn Morse code, and have conversations with friends in public consisting entirely of "Beeeep Bip Bip Beeep Bip..."
5. If you have a glass eye, tap on it occasionally with your pen while talking to others.
6. Amuse yourself for endless hours by hooking a camcorder to your TV and then pointing it at the screen. <
7. Speak only in a "robot" voice.
8. Push all the flat Lego pieces together tightly.
9. Start each meal by conspicuously licking all your food, and announce that this is so no one will "swipe your grub".
10. Leave the copy machine set to reduce 200%, extra dark, 17 inch paper, 98 copies.
11. Stomp on little plastic ketchup packets.
12. Sniffle incessantly.
13. Leave your turn signal on for fifty miles.
14. Name your dog "Dog." 15. Insist on keeping your car windshield wipers running in all weather conditions "to keep them tuned up."
16. Reply to everything someone says with "that's what YOU think."
17. Claim that you must always wear a bicycle helmet as part of your "astronaut training."
18. Declare your apartment an independent nation, and sue your neighbors upstairs for "violating your airspace".
19. Forget the punchline to a long joke, but assure the listener it was a "real hoot."
20. Follow a few paces behind someone, spraying everything they touch with Lysol.
21. Practice making fax and modem noises.
22. Highlight irrelevant information in scientific papers and "cc:" them to your boss.
23. Make beeping noises when a large person backs up.
24. Invent nonsense computer jargon in conversations, and see if people play along to avoid the appearance of ignorance.
25. Erect an elaborate network of ropes in your backyard, and tell the neighbors you are a "spider person."
26. Finish all your sentences with the words "in accordance with the prophesy."
27. Wear a special hip holster for your
remote control.
28. Do not add any inflection to the end of your sentences, producing awkward silences with the impression that you'll be saying more any moment.
29. Signal that a conversation is over by clamping your hands over your ears.
30. Disassemble your pen and "accidentally" flip the ink cartridge across the room.
31. Give a play-by-play account of a persons every action in a nasal Howard Cosell voice.
32. Holler random numbers while someone is counting.
33. Adjust the tint on your TV so that all the people are green, and insist to others that you "like it that way."
34. Drum on every available surface.
35. Staple papers in the middle of the page.
36. Ask 1-800 operators for dates.
37. Produce a rental video consisting entirely of dire FBI copyright warnings.
38. Sew anti-theft detector strips
into peoples backpacks.
39. Hide dairy products in inaccessible places.
40. Write the surprise ending to a novel on its first page.
41. Set alarms for random times.
42. Order a side of pork rinds with your filet mignon.
43. Instead of Gallo, serve Night Train next Thanksgiving.
44. Publicly investigate just how slowly you can make a "croaking" noise.
45. Honk and wave to strangers.
46. Dress only in clothes colored Hunters Orange.
47. Change channels five minutes before the end of every show.
48. Tape pieces of "Sweating to the Oldies" over climactic parts of rental movies.
49. Wear your pants backwards.
50. Decline to be seated at a restaurant, and simply eat their complimentary mints by the cash register.
51. Begin all your sentences with "ooh la la!"
52. ONLY TYPE IN UPPERCASE.
53. only type in lowercase.
54. dont use any punctuation either
55. Buy a large quantity of orange traffic cones and reroute whole streets.
56. Pay for your dinner with pennies.
57. Tie jingle bells to all your clothes.
58. Repeat everything someone says, as a question.
59. Write "X - BURIED TREASURE" in random spots on all of someone's roadmaps.
60. Inform everyone you meet of your personal Kennedy assassination/UFO/ O.J Simpson conspiracy theories.
61. Repeat the following conversation a dozen times: "Do you hear that?" "What?" "Never mind, its gone now."
62. Light road flares on a birthday cake.
63. Wander around a restaurant, asking other diners for their parsley.
64. Leave tips in Bolivian currency.
65. Demand that everyone address you as "Conquistador."
66. At the laundromat, use one dryer for each of your socks.
67. When Christmas caroling, sing "Jingle Bells, Batman smells" until physically restrained.
68. Wear a cape that says "Magnificent One."
69. As much as possible, skip rather than walk.
70. Stand over someone's shoulder, mumbling, as they read.
71. Pretend your computer's mouse is a CB radio, and talk to it.
72. Try playing the William Tell Overture by tapping on the bottom of your chin. When nearly done, announce "no, wait, I messed it up," and repeat.
73. Drive half a block.
74. Inform others that they exist only in your imagination.
75. Ask people what gender they are.
76. Lick the filling out of all the Oreos, and place the cookie parts back.
77. Cultivate a Norwegian accent. If Norwegian, affect a Southern drawl.
78. Routinely handcuff yourself to furniture, informing the curious that you don't want to fall off "in case the big one comes".
79. Deliberately hum songs that will remain lodged in co-workers brains, such as "Feliz Navidad", the Archies "Sugar" or the Mr. Rogers theme song.
80. While making presentations, occasionally bob your head. like a parakeet.
81. Lie obviously about trivial things such as the time of day.
82. Leave your Christmas lights up and lit until September.
83. Change your name to "AaJohn Aaaaasmith" for the great glory of being first in the phone book. Claim it's a Hawaiian name, and demand that people pronounce each "a."
84. Sit in your front yard pointing a hair dryer at passing cars to see if they slow down.
85. Chew on pens that you've borrowed.
86. Wear a LOT of cologne.
87. Listen to 33rpm records at 45rpm speed, and claim the faster speed is necessary because of your "superior mental processing."
88. Sing along at the opera.
89. Mow your lawn with scissors.
90. At a golf tournament, chant "swing-batabatabata-suhWING-batter!"
91. Ask the waitress for an extra seat for your "imaginary friend."
92. Go to a poetry recital and ask why each poem doesn't rhyme.
93. Ask your co-workers mysterious questions, and then scribble their answers in a notebook. Mutter something
about "psychological profiles."
94. Stare at static on the TV and claim you can see a "magic picture."
95. Select the same song on the jukebox fifty times.
96. Never make eye contact.
97. Never break eye contact.
98. Construct elaborate "crop circles" in your front lawn.
99. Construct your own pretend "tricorder," and "scan" people with it, announcing the results.
100. Make appointments for the 31st of September.
101. Invite lots of people to other people's parties
How to go bathroom while having dinner!
During one of her daily classes, a teacher trying to teach good
manners,asked her students the following question:
"Michael, if you were on a date--- having dinner with a nice young
lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"
Michael said, "Just a minute, I have to go pee."
The teacher responded by saying, "That would be rude and impolite."
What about you Peter, how would you say it?"
Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'll
be right back."
"That's better, but it's still not very nice to say the word bathroom
at the dinner table."
"And you, little Johnny, can you use your brain for once and show us
your good manners?"
I would say, "Darling, may I please be excused for a moment? I have to
Shake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope you'll get to meet after dinner."
The teacher fainted.
Income Tax
Finally he decided to write God a letter requesting the Rs.50.
When the postal authorities received the letter addressed to God,India. They decided to forward it to the Finance Minister of India as a joke.
The Finance Minister was so amused, that he instructed his secretary to send the little boy Rs.20.
The Finance Minister thought this would appear to be a lot of money to a little boy, and he did not want to spoil the kid.
The little boy was delighted with Rs.20, and decided to write a thank you note to God, which read:
"Dear God: Thank you very much for sending the money. However, I noticed
that you sent it through the Finance Minister in Delhi, and those donkeys deducted Rs.30 in taxes..."
Why does an elephant take a shower?
Why does an elephant take a shower?
Because he can't fit in the bathtub!
Friday, October 12, 2007
Romantic Rhymes
A local newspaper (in England) ran a competition asking for a rhyme with the most romantic first line... But the least romantic second line.
Here are some of the entries they received.
*********
My feelings for you no words can tell,
Except for maybe " go to hell"
*********
Roses are red, violets are blue, sugar is sweet, and so are you.
But the roses are wilting, the violets are dead, the sugar bowl's empty and so is your head.
*********
Oh loving beauty you float with grace
If only you could hide your face
*********
Kind, intelligent, loving and hot;
This describes everything you are not
*********
I want to feel your sweet embrace
But don't take that paper bag off of your face
*********
I love your smile, your face, and your eyes -
Damn, I'm good at telling lies !
*********
I see your face when I am dreaming.
That's why I always wake up screaming
*********
My love, you take my breath away.
What have you stepped in to smell this way
Wednesday, October 10, 2007
If the Titanic was made in Bollywood
1) There would be 10 times as many people on the ship
2) There would be a song with Kate Winslet in a white saree and of course Singing in the rain
3) The movie would be called "Pyar Kiya To Marna Kya"
4) Hero and Heroine would float in cold water for days and still survive but the villian would die in the first dip
5) The iceberg would be sent by the heroine's father to teach the hero a Lesson
6) None of the women would float due to heavy designer sarees and last but not least
7) Half of the rescue boats would be reserve for SC/ST/OBC
The Infosys Talk
Start reading from the bottom... that’s where the talk begins
This is a sample from the Infosys Bangalore Bulletin Board.... its one hell of a discussion...
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:59 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Yes certainly they should have, as infy is a global company!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Perhaps after tasing the coffee and tea here the client might want to outsource their coffee and tea facility to Infy
From: Kartik Krishnamurthy
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:53 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
wil our dear cows /buffaloos........................................etc hav onsite oppurtunities as they wud surely want to know this in the interview...............
From: Archana Amperayani
Posted At: Fri 1/20/2006 4:44 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Ba-Ba Moo-Moo - ROTFL
What will the grazing grounds signboards say in that case? "Milking in progress, No mooing please?"
And will the cattle stock be taught to read these K
Thanks and Regards,
Archana.
From: Shatadip Som
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:40 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Yes we need to have very strict selection criteria so that only quality cows/buffaloes/camels/goats/sheep/llama/elk/elephants etc. are recruited for milking.
1) Should have consistently high 'milkademic' performance. Should have given more than or equal to 10 litres/day in the past.
2) Should have high 'dungamatic' quotient. Should not have passed dung on the premises more than 3.4 times per 1000 days.
3) Should be good team players and not kick the milkman while milking.
4) Should meet deadlines and allow milking at late-hours and night-shifts too for the foreign clients.
5) Should have no communication skills else can disturb the employees by ba-ba/moo-moo etc.
-----Original Message-----
From: Ankit Singh Chauhan
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:19 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have a separate DC for their Training n production?
"Production People" - no they would called "Production Animals"
N they hv separate recruitment policy.
Can any one suggest their minimum criteria?
Ankit Singh Chauhan
Software Engineering
Communication Service Provider
Infosys-Bangalore(India)
(- 91-80-41564013
3- 91-80-28520261
Mob - 91- 9986139803
:*AnkitSingh_Chauhan@infosys.com
From: Ankur Sharma
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:14 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Ya...and that will make devegowda happy too J
Ankur..
From: Chandan Chatterjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:12 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can the milking of the cows, buffaloes and goats be outsourced since it's not a core competency that Infy enjoys ?
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:11 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Yes thats true.
As cars or two wheelers are no more allowed inside the campus and the golf carts are only for the clients the ones who do not know cycling can use kangaroos for quick transportations from one place to another withing the campus.
From: Santhosh S Damle
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 4:03 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Yes, 'Photo ID Card' is necessary!
Or we would need dogs if the animals look too similar for security guys to identify.
Baggage check is not in question right now, but may be some day, if we have plans to allow Kangaroos for some reason. J
SSD
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:53 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Will the goats, buffaloes, cows and other animals have to follow the dress code????????? And will they have permanent ID card???????/ After all security was questioned by one of us!
I think having ID cards will help ensure better security. + the dress code will make them look more professional
From: S Sriram
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:43 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Guys ............. It was started with cow. Then people added buffalos and goats to the list. Check if anything else is missed out ( if its milk is useful or it is useful in someother way) before sending the suggestion to the concerned dept / authority.
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:26 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Re:Can we have better coffee vending machines?
No need to buy the vending macines as CCD will provide them on loan I guess. Now coming to the goats/cows/buffaloes we have to purchase them, now the question is how many???? Should all building have one of each or should one building have only one animal?/? That is the point we have to decide on.
As far as the plantation goes I think the golf course is used no more, so we can have a tea and coffee plantation over there. After all its about tea or coffee so we need the main ingredient fresh!!!!! isnt it????????
From: Nitin Chaganlal Jain
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:14 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Re:Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Now we have to decide whether should buy Vending machines or milk giving animals like Cow/buffalo/Goat?
Regards,
Nitin Jain C.
ES-Oracle Practice,Blr.
Extn #: 60749, Mobile #: 9845195968
From: Amarpal Singh Sanghera
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:12 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
What if some buffalo turns out to be a LeT operative ?
From: Archana Amperayani
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 3:09 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
No!
If you want I can sign a petition online beseeching the authorities to allow cows, buffaloes and good coffee vending machines in Infy....
That's the MAX I am willing to do J
Thanks and Regards,
Archana.
From: Anirban Mookherjee
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:55 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
I think Archana is the one who might arrange for the goats!!!!!!! (No offences meant) :-)
Can anyone make the arrangements for the cow and buffaloes please?
Also the tea and coffee plantations!!!!!!!!1
;-)
From: Sunil Kamat
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:50 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Who is Archana? Is it a goats name??
Regards,
Sunil Kamat
Software Engineer | Infosys Technologies Ltd. | Bangalore
Extn: 63245 | Mobile: 91 99451 29390 | Direct: 91 80 515 63245
From: Rajesh Rawat
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:39 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Can we have explanations?
Rajesh Rawat
Infosys Technologies Ltd,
Bangalore
EMEA, UK Retails & CPG
From: Joyjit Guha
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:37 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
I did not get this L
Goats and then Archana are you listening?
From: Anup Narayan Talegaonkar
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:23 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Why don't we have goats too......?.
Archana are you listening?
From: Amarpal Singh Sanghera
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:14 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Can we also have buffaloes please ??? J
From: S Sriram
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 2:11 PM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: RE: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
I agree with you that milk powder is no substitute for actual milk. Similarly old milk is no substitute for fresh milk.
So how about having a cow and a decoction maker in each building, so that we can get a nice flavoured coffee.
From: Madhu Raghavendra Sagar
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 11:57 AM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject:
Yes please...both tea and coffee taste really horrible...the milk powder is no substitute for actual milk.. what with all kinds of bugs coming out of the machine too!
It would be really nice to have something like what is suggested below.
From: Nitin Chaganlal Jain
Posted At: Friday, January 20, 2006 11:45 AM
Posted To: KEC General
Conversation: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Subject: Can we have better coffee vending machines?
Hi,
Can we have better coffee vending machines in Bglr DC like other DC's? I remember we had got this Horlicks/Bornvita Vending machines in Hyd-DC (one per building) which lot of people out there has appreciated. Can we hope of getting similar ones in Bglr DC.
Regards,
Nitin Jain C.
ES-Oracle Practice,Blr.
Extn #: 60749, Mobile #: 9845195968
Read to Believe
The person who invented this sentence is either a Vocabulary GENIUS or is
absolutely JOBLESS.
Why?
You'll soon find out!!!
Read the sentence below carefully...
"I do not know where family doctors acquired illegibly perplexing
handwriting nevertheless, extraordinary pharmaceutical intellectuality
counterbalancing indecipherability, transcendentalizes intercommunications
incomprehensibleness".
This is a sentence where the nth word is N letters long.
e.g. 3rd word is 3 letters long, 8th word is 8 letters long and so on.
Greed?
Imagine you are at an Airport. While you're waiting for your flight, you notice a kiosk selling cookies. You buy a box, put them in your traveling bag and then you patiently search for an available seat so you can sit down and enjoy your cookies. Finally, you find a seat
next to a gentleman.
You reach down into your traveling bag and pull out your box of cookies. As you do so, you notice that the gentleman starts
watching you intensely. He stares as you open the box and his eyes follow your hand as you pick up the cookie and bring it to your mouth. Just then he reaches over and takes one of your cookies from the box, and eats it! You're more than a little surprised at this. Actually, you're at a loss for words. Not only does he take one cookie, but also he alternates with you. For every one cookie you
take, he takes one.
Now, what's your immediate impression of this guy?
Crazy? Greedy? He's got some nerve? Can you imagine the words you might use to describe this man to your associates back at the office? Meanwhile, you both continue eating the cookies until there's just one left. To your surprise, the man reaches over and takes it. But then he does something unexpected. He breaks it in half, and gives half to you. After he's finished with his half he gets up,and without a word, he leaves.
You think to yourself, "Did this really happen?"
You're left sitting there dumbfounded and still hungry. So you go back to the kiosk and buy another box of cookies. You then return to your seat and begin opening your new box of cookies when you glance down into your traveling bag. Sitting there in your bag is your original box of cookies - still unopened.
Only then do you realize that when you reached down earlier, you had reached into the other man's bag, and grabbed his box of cookies by mistake. Now what do you think of the man? Generous?
Tolerant? You've just experienced a profound paradigm shift. You're seeing things from a new point of view. Is it time to change your point of view?
Moral
Many a times, we are clouded by our own instincts and
predispositions.
These hamper our relationship with our peers,subordinates and superiors.
Try to be non-judgmental and look beyond the obvious.
The Side Effects of being in IT industry for too long
If you have been in IT industry too long these are your symptoms:
1.) U use phrases like "No issues" and "Value addition" in everyday parlance. For e.g. When talking about your doodhwalla, U say, "His milk does zero value addition to my health but he is the only guy around so no issues".
2.) Ur prime source of entertainment is the forwards send to U by friends whose faces U cant remember.
3.) U drink more tea or coffee than water.
4.) U keep trying to shut down ur home computer by pressing Ctrl+Alt+Del (used to lock office comps)
5.) When ur mobile rings at home, U rush outside to receive the call.
6.) When U make calls at home, U accidentally dial "0"to get an outside line.
7.) U haven't played Solitaire with real cards in years.
8.) Ur last crush was a girl in HR, ur current crush is the new girl in HR and all ur crushes in the future willbe girls in HR.
9.) U spend the entire day reading forwards, smoking cigarettes, drinking tea/coffee and playing T.T. and then complain about the late working hours.
10.) Ur important 'meetings' usually comprise two or three people max, including yourself.
11) U secretly prepare for CAT only to find ur PL sitting behind you at the exam.
13.) U keep pressing Ctrl+Enter wondering why your gmail is not going.
14.) U email ur mate who works at the desk next to U.
15.) As U read this list, U r thinking of sending it to ur friends who are also in IT.
16.) U r too busy to notice there was no line no. 12
17.) U r not sure so u scroll back check it.
18.) And now u r smiling!!!!
Did you just went over steps 16 to 18 again??
What will happen to Bill Gates after Death
Well, Bill," said God, "I'm really confused on this one. I'm
not sure whether to send you to Heaven or Hell! After all, you helped society enormously by putting a computer in almost every home in the world and yet you created that ghastly Windows. I'm going to do something I've never done before. I'm going to let you decide where you want to go!"
Mr. Gates replied, "Well, thanks, Lord. What's the difference between the two?"
God said, "You can take a peek at both places briefly if it will help you decide. Shall we look at Hell first?" "Sure!" said Bill. "Let's go!"
Bill was amazed! He saw a clean, white sandy beach with clear waters. There were thousands of beautiful women running around,
playing in the water, laughing and frolicking about.
The sun was shining and the temperature was just perfect!
Bill said, "This is great! If this is Hell, I can't wait to see Heaven!"
To which God replied, "Let's go!" and off they went. Bill saw puffy white clouds in a beautiful blue sky with angels drifting about playing harps and singing.
It was nice, but surely not as enticing as Hell. Mr. Gates thought for only a brief moment and rendered his decision.
"God, I do believe I would like to go to Hell."
"As you desire," said God.
Two weeks later, God decided to check up on the late
billionaire to see how things were going. He found Bill shackled to a wall, screaming among the hot flames in a dark cave. He was being burned and tortured by demons.
"How ya doin', Bill?" asked God. Bill responded with anguish and despair.
"This is awful! This is not what I expected at all! What
happened to the beach and the beautiful women playing in the water?"
"Oh, THAT!" said God. "That was the screen saver"
How to Catch a Lion
Newton’s Method:
Let, the lion catch you.
For every action there is an equal and opposite reaction.
Implies you caught lion.
Einstein Method:
Run in the direction opposite to that of the lion.
Due to higher relative velocity, the lion will also run faster and will get tired soon.
Now you can trap it easily.
Software Engineer Method:
Catch a cat and claim that your testing has proven that its a Lion.
If anyone comes back with issues tell that you will upgrade it to Lion.
Indian Police Method:
Catch any animal and interrogate it & torture it to accept that its a lion.
Rajnikanth Method:
Keep warning the lion that u may come and attack anytime.
The lion will live in fear and die soon in fear itself.
Jayalalitha Method:
Send Police commissioner Muthukaruppan around 2AM and kill it, while it's sleeping!
Manirathnam Method (director):
Make sure the lion does not get sun light and put the lion in a dark
room with a single candle lighted.
Keep murmuring something in its ears.
The lion will be highly irritated and commit suicide.
Karan Johar Method (director):
Send a lioness into the forest.
Our lion and lioness fall in love with each other.
Send another lioness in to the forest, followed by another lion.
First lion loves the first lioness and the second lion loves the 2nd lioness.
But 2nd lioness loves both lions.
Now send another lioness (third) into the forest.
You don't understand right... ok....read it after 15 yrs, then also u wont!
Yash Chopra method (director):
Take the lion to Australia or US.. and kill it in a good scenic location.
Lincoln V/s Kennedy
Govinda method:
Continuously dance before the lion for 5 or 6 days.
Menaka Gandhi method:
Save the lion from a danger and feed him with some vegetables continuously.
George bush method:
Link the lion with Osama bin laden and shoot him!!!
Ravi Shastri method:
Ask the lion to bowl at u.
U bat for 200 balls and score 1 run
Lion tired and surrenders
Saturday, October 06, 2007
Economics Demystified
I always wanted to learn economics but the complicated definitions and categorizations kept me at the bay. But check out these great definitions which will demystify all which you wanted to know about economics:
GLOBAL ECONOMICS DEMYSTIFIED
''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''''
SOCIALISM:
You have 2 cows and you give one to your neighbor.
COMMUNISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and gives you some milk.
FASCISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both and sells you some milk.
NAZISM:
You have 2 cows. The Government takes both and shoots you.
BUREAUCRATISM:
You have 2 cows; the Government takes both, shoots one, milks the
other and throws the milk away...
TRADITIONAL CAPITALISM:
You have two cows. You sell one and buy a bull. Your herd multiplies,
and the economy grows. You sell them and retire on the income.
AN AMERICAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You sell one, and force the other to produce the
milk of four cows. Later, you hire a consultant to analyze why the cow
dropped dead.
A FRENCH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You go o n strike because you want three cows.
A JAPANESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You redesign them so they are one-tenth the size of
an ordinary cow and produce twenty times the milk. You then create a
clever cow cartoon image called Cowkimon and market them Worldwide.
A GERMAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You reengineer them so they live for 100 years, eat
once amonth, and milk themselves.
A BRITISH CORPORATION:
You have two cows. Both are mad.
AN ITALIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows, but you don't know where they are. You break for
lunch.
A RUSSIAN CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You count them and learn you have five cows. You
count them again and learn you have 42 cows. You count them again and
learn you have 2 cows.
You stop counting cows and open another bottle of vodka.
A SWISS CORPORATION:
Y ou have 5000 cows, none of which belong to you. You charge others for
storing them.
A CHINESE CORPORATION:
You have two cows. You have 300 people milking them. You claim full
employment,
high bovine productivity, and arrest the newsman who reported the
numbers.
AN ARKANSAS CORPORATION:
You have two cows. That one on the left is kinda cute...
AN INDIAN CORPORATION :
You have two cows. You worship them and die of hunger.
AN PAKISTANI CORPORATION
You have two cow's. You eat one for lunch and one for dinner, then
blame India for lack of cows
Corporate Quotes
For those of you who want to know what corporations really mean as they try to lure you into their culture, below are translations of corporate phrases you might see and/or hear:
Competitive Salary : We remain competitive by paying less than our competitors.
Join Our Fast Paced Company : We Have no time to train you...
Casual Work Atmosphere : We don't pay enough to expect that you'll dress up; well, a couple of the real daring guys wear earrings.
Must be deadline oriented : You'll be six months behind schedule on your first day.
Some Overtime Required : Some time each night and some time each weekend.
Duties Will Vary : Anyone in the office can boss you around.
Must Have An Eye For Detail : We have no quality control.
Career Minded : Female Applicants must be childless (and remain that way).
Apply in Person : If you're old, fat or ugly you'll be told the position has been filled.
No Phone Calls Please : We've filled the job; our call for resumes is just a legal formality.
Seeking Candidates with a wide variety of experience : You'll need it to replace three people who just left.
Problem-solving skills is a must : You're walking into a company in perpetual chaos.
Requires Team Leadership Skills : You'll have the responsibilities of a manager, without the pay or respect.
Good Communication Skills : Management communicates, you listen, figure out what they want and do it.
I'm Extremely Adept at all manner of office organization : Ive Used Microsoft Office.
I'm Honest, Hard-working and dependable : I Pilfer Office Supplies
I Take Pride in my work : I blame others for my mistakes
I'm Personable : I give lots of unsolicited personal advice to co-workers.
I'm Extremely Professional : I carry a Day-Timer.
I'm Adaptable : I've changed jobs a lot.
I'm On The Go : I'm never at my desk.
I'm Highly Motivated to Succeed : The minute I find a better job, I'm outta there.
This is why we say "History Repeats"
Lincoln V/s Kennedy
Have a history teacher explain this if they can !
Abraham Lincoln was elected to Congress in 1846.
John F. Kennedy was elected to Congress in 1946.
Abraham Lincoln was elected President in 1860.
John F. Kennedy was elected President in 1960.
Both were particularly concerned with civil rights.
Both wives lost a child while living in the White House.
Both Presidents were shot on a Friday.
Both Presidents were shot in the head.
Now it gets really weird.
Lincoln 's secretary was named Kennedy.
Kennedy's Secretary was named Lincoln .
Both were assassinated by Southerners.
Both were succeeded by Southerners named Johnson.
Andrew Johnson, who succeeded Lincoln, was born in 1808
Lyndon Johnson, who succeeded Kennedy, was born in 1908
There are 13 letters in each name
John Wilkes Booth, who assassinated Lincoln, was born 1839
Lee Harvey Oswald, who assassinated Kennedy, was born 1939
Both assassins were known by their three names.
Both names are composed of fifteen letters.
Now hang on to your seat !
Lincoln was shot at the theater named "Ford."
Kennedy was shot in a car called " Lincoln " made by "Ford."
Booth and Oswald were assassinated before their trials.
And here's the "kicker":
A week before Lincoln was shot, he was in Monroe , Maryland .
A week before Kennedy was shot, he was with Marilyn Monroe.
and Lincoln was shot in a theater and the assassin ran to a warehouse.
Kennedy was shot from a warehouse and the assassin ran to a theater.
Creepy, huh?
The Difference Between Potentiality and Reality
Youngest Son: "Tell me Daddy, what is the difference
between "Potentiality" and "reality"?"
Dad: "I will show you"
Dad turns to his wife and asks her: "Would you sleep
with Robert Redford for 1 million dollars"?
Wife: "Yes of course! I would never waste such an
opportunity"!
Then Dad asks his daughter, if she would sleep with
Brad Pitt for 1 million dollars?
Daughter:" Wow! Yes! he is my fantasy!"
So Dad turns to his elder son and asks him: "Would
you sleep with Tom Cruise for 1 million dollars"?
Elder Son: "Yeah! Why not? Imagine what I could do
with
1 million Dollars! I would never hesitate!"
So the father turns back to his younger son saying:"
You see son, "Potentially" we are sitting on 3 million dollars, but in
"Reality" we are living with 2 prostitutes and 1 gay.
