A Funny Funeral

One of the city's top cardiac specialists died. At his funeral, his coffin was placed in front of a huge replica of a heart made of red roses.

When the pastor finished the sermon, and everyone said their goodbyes, the large heart opened up, the coffin rolled inside, and the heart closed again. It was a majestic tribute to the much loved cardiologist.

Suddenly, one of the mourners burst into a fit of laughter.

Irritated by his insensitivity, the man sitting next to him asked, "Why are you laughing, Mister?"
"I was just thinking about my own funeral," the man replied, "I'm a gynaecologist"...

Guy's Rules

Now here are the rules from the male side. These are our rules!

Please note.. these are all numbered "1"ON PURPOSE!


1. Men are NOT mind readers.
1. Shopping is NOT a sport.And no, we are never going to think of it that way.
1. Crying is blackmail.
1. Ask for what you want.Let us be clear on this one: Subtle hints do not work!Strong hints do not work!Obvious hints do not work!Just say it!
1. Yes and No are perfectly acceptable answers to almost every question.
1. Come to us with a problem only if you want help solving it. That's what we do.Sympathy is what your girlfriends are for.
1. A headache that lasts for 17 months is a Problem. See a doctor..
1. Anything we said 6 months ago is inadmissible in an argument. In fact, all comments become null and void after 7 Days.
1. If you won't dress like the Victoria's Secret girls, don't Expect us to act like soap opera guys.
1. If you think you're fat, you probably are.Don't ask us.
1. If something we said can be interpreted two ways and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other one
1. You can either ask us to do something Or tell us how you want it done.Not both.If you already know best how to do it, just do it yourself.
1. Whenever possible, Please say whatever you have to say during commercials.
1. Christopher Columbus did NOT need directions and neither do we.
1. ALL men see in only 16 colors, like Windows default settings.Peach, for example, is a fruit, not A color. Pumpkin is also a fruit. We have no idea what mauve is. 1. If we ask what is wrong and you say "nothing," We will act like nothing's wrong. We know you are lying, but it is just not wor th the hassle.
1. If you ask a question you don't want an answer to, Expect an answer you don't want to hear.
1. When we have to go somewhere, absolutely anything you wear is fine. Really ..
1. Don't ask us what we're thinking about unless you are prepared to discuss such topics as baseball, the shotgun formation,or golf.
1. You have enough clothes.
1. You have too many shoes.
1. I am in shape. Round IS a shape!

7 kinds of sex

Results of a recent research show that there are
7 kinds of sex.

The 1st kind of sex is called: Smurf Sex.
* This kind of sex happens when you first meet
Someone and you both have sex until you are
Blue in the face.

The 2nd kind of sex is called: Kitchen Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a short time and you are so needy you will
Have sex anywhere, even in the kitchen.

The 3rd kind of sex is called: Bedroom Sex.
* This is when you have been with your partner
For a long time. Your sex has gotten routine and
You usually have sex only in your bedroom.

The 4th kind of sex is called: Hallway Sex
* This is when you have been with your partner
For too long. When you pass each other in the
Hallway you both say "screw you."

The 5th kind of sex is called: Religious Sex.
* Which means you get Nun in the morning, Nun
In the afternoon and Nun at night.(Very Popular)

The 6th kind is called Courtroom Sex.
* This is when you cannot stand your wife any
More. She takes you to court and screws you
In front of everyone.

And; Last, but not least,
The 7th kind of sex is called: Social Security Sex.
* You get a little each month.
But not enough to enjoy your self.

"Guts " and "Balls"

Distinction between "Guts " and "Balls" Medical Distinctions

We've all heard about people having guts or balls. But do you really know the difference between them?

In an effort to keep you informed, the definition for each is listed below...

GUTS - is arriving home late after a night out with the guys, being met by your wife with a broom, and having the guts to ask: "Are you still cleaning, or are you flying somewhere?"

BALLS - is coming home late after a night out with the guys, smelling of perfume and beer, lipstick on your collar, slapping your wife on the butt and having the balls to say: "You're next."

I hope this clears up any confusion on the definitions.

Medically speaking , there is no difference in the outcome, since both ultimately result in death.

Words To Ponder

Now that food has replaced sex in my life, I can't even get into my own pants.

I saw a woman wearing a sweat shirt with "Guess" on it. So I said "Implants?" She hit me.

How come we choose from just two people to run for president and over fifty for Miss America ?

I signed up for an exercise class and was told to wear loose-fitting clothing. If I HAD any loose-fitting clothing, I wouldn't have signed up in the first place!

Wouldn't it be nice if whenever we messed up our life we could simply press 'Ctrl Alt Delete' and start all over? AMEN, AMEN !!

Why is it that our children can't read a Bible in school, but they can in prison?
?

Wouldn't you know it...Brain cells come and brain cells go, but FAT cells live forever.

Why do I have to swear on the Bible in court when the Ten Commandments cannot be displayed outside?

Bumper sticker of the year: "If you can read this, thank a teacher -and, since it's in English, thank a soldier"??

And remember: life is like a roll of toilet paper. The closer it gets to the end, the faster it goes.

Perspective

The train has started moving. It is packed with people of all ages, mostly with the working men and women and young college guys and gals. Near the window, seated a old man with his 30 year old son. As the train moves by, the son is overwhelmed with joy as he was thrilled with the scenery outside..

" See dad, the scenery of green trees moving away is very beautiful"

This behavior from a thirty year old son made the other people feel strange about him. Every one started murmuring something or other about this son."This guy seems to be a krack.." newly married Anup whispered to his wife.

Suddenly it started raining... Rain drops fell on the travelers through the opened window. The Thirty year old son , filled with joy

"see dad, how beautiful the rain is .."

Anup's wife got irritated with the rain drops spoiling her new suit.

Anup ," cant you see its raining, you old man, if ur son is not feeling well get him soon to a mental asylum..and dont disturb public henceforth"

The old man hesitated first and then in a low tone replied " we are on the way back from hospital, my son got discharged today morning , he was a blind by birth, last week only he got his vision, these rain and nature are new to his eyes.. Please forgive us for the inconvenience caused..."

Stock Market

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy monkeys for Rs10. The villagers seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started catching them. The man bought thousands at Rs10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their effort. He further announced that he would now buy at Rs20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers and they started catching monkeys again. Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer rate increased to Rs25 and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a monkey let alone catch it.
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at Rs50! However, since he had to go to the city on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him. In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers. Look at all these monkeys in the big cage that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at Rs35 and when the man returns from the city, you can sell it to him for Rs50." The villagers squeezed up with all their savings to buy the monkeys. Then they never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!! !! -
Welcome to the Market!!!!!

Cannibals

Five cannibals (Man eaters) get appointed as programmers in an IT company. During the welcoming ceremony the boss says: "You're all part of our team now. You can earn good money here, and you can go to the company canteen for something to eat. So don't trouble the other employees".
The cannibals promise not to trouble the other employees.
Four weeks later the boss returns and says: "You're all working very hard, and I'm very satisfied with all of you. One of our developers has disappeared however. Do any of you know what happened to her?"
The cannibals disown all knowledge of the missing developer. After the boss left, the leader of the cannibals says to the others: " Which of you idiots ate the developer?"
One of the cannibals raises his hand hesitantly, to which the leader of the cannibals says: "You FOOL ! For four weeks we've been eating team leaders, managers, and project managers and no-one has noticed anything, and now YOU ate one developer and it got noticed. So hereafter please don't eat a person who is working ."

Good Manners

During one of her daily classes a teacher trying to teach good manners,asked her students the following question:

"Michael, if you were on a date having dinner with a nice young lady,how would you tell her that you have to go to the bathroom?"Michaelsaid: "Just a minute I have to go pee."The teacher responded by saying:"That would be rude and impolite .What about you Peter, how would yousay it?"

Peter said, "I am sorry, but I really need to go to the bathroom. I'llbe right back.The teacher replied:"That's better, but it's still notvery nice to say the word bathroom at the dinner table."And you, littleJohnny, can you use your brain for once and show us yourgood manners?"
"I would say: Darling, may I please be excused for a moment?I have toshake hands with a very dear friend of mine, whom I hope to introduceyou to after dinner.The teacher fainted......

Why men wear ear rings?

I have often wondered how this trend got started, I now have the answer.

A man is at work one day when he notices that his co-worker is wearing an earring. This man knows his co-worker to be a normally conservative fellow, and is curious about his sudden change in "fashion sense."

The man walks up to him and says, "I didn't know you were into earrings."
"Don't make such a big deal, it's only an earring, " he replies sheepishly.

His friend falls silent for a few minutes, but then his curiosity prods him to say, "So, how long have you been wearing one?"

"Ever since my wife found it in my car."

One paragraph that explains life

Arthur Ashe, the legendary Wimbledon player was dying of AIDS which he
got due to infected blood he received during a heart surgery in 1983.
From world over, he received letters from his fans, one of which
conveyed: "Why does GOD have to select you for such a bad disease"?
To this Arthur Ashe replied:
"The world over -- 50 million children start playing tennis, 5 million
learn to play tennis, 500,000 learn professional tennis, 50,000 come to
the circuit, 5000 reach the grand slam, 50 reach Wimbledon, 4 to semi
final, 2 to the finals, when I was holding a cup I never asked GOD 'Why
me?'.
And today in pain I should not be asking GOD 'Why me?' "

"Happiness keeps you Sweet,
Trials keep you Strong,
Sorrow keeps you Human,
Failure keeps you humble and Success keeps you glowing, but only Faith &
Attitude Keeps you going...

Bajaj - Launching a new cheap bike - Rs.1000 - Nano Bike

Pick Up Lines - Rejoinders

Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!

Two bored casino dealers are waiting at the crap
table. A very attractive blonde woman arrived and bet
twenty thousand dollars on a single roll of the dice.
She said, "I hope you don't mind, but I feel much
luckier when I'm completely nude." With that, she
stripped from the neck down, rolled the dice and
yelled, "Come on, baby, Mama needs new clothes!" As
the dice came to a stop she jumped up and down and
squealed......

"YES! YES! I WON, I WON!"

She hugged each of the dealers and then picked up her
winnings and her clothes and quickly departed. The
dealers stared at each other dumbfounded. Finally, one
of them asked,

"What did she roll?" The other answered, "I don't know
- I thought you were watching!"

Moral - Not all blondes are dumb, but all men are men!

All Men have double standards

Men hate cats ,
but love pussies.

They don't want called as donkey,
but love to ride a good ass.

Eat chicken,
but prefer to feed cock to the chicks.

Hate being called a dog,
but enjoy themselves to maximum in that position.