Smart Boy

First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of herstudents
The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in thethird-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-gradetoo!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principalwhat the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy atest and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back tothe first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed totake the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade shouldknow. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy. can go tothe third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.Can I ask him?"The principal and Boy. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?"
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, deliciousand contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy.: "Coconut"
Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy.was taking charge.
Boy.: "Bubblegum"
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dogdoes on three legs?"The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: "Shake hands"
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Boy.: "Yep."
Ms Neelam: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I getwet before you do."
Boy.: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The bestman always has me first."The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one largePatiala Vodkapeg.
Boy.: "Wedding Ring"

Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,you feel good."
Boy.: "Nose"

Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Boy.: "Arrow"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heatand excitement?"
Boy.: "Firetruck"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it uhave to use ur hand."
Boy.: "Fork"

Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than onothers, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they'remarried?"
Boy.: "SURNAME"

Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, haslots of veins,like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy.: "HEART."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,"Send this Boy.to Harvard University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Coincidence

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, Told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
todo."

The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said
"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened here."

He asked "What"??????

She said "This morning our neighbour James suddenly died."

Cannibals - Joke

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a
trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten
pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,
so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be
easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst
out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."

Highway Patrol Ball

A woman gets pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me tickets tto the Highway Patrol Ball.”

He replied, “No, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Jeans

A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn’t have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?" "Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed.
But two weeks after the operation, he came back. "Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too." Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We’ll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor’s office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?" "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?" So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says,"Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"

Laloo's Speech in English

Extract of Laloo Prasad’s thank you speech in english to all his guests at the conclusion of his daughter’s wedding festivities:
" I THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING FROM BOTTOM OF MY HEART AND ALSO FROM MY WIFE’S BOTTOM"..

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you’re that far you may as well finish..."

The Good News & Bad News

A man sat in his attorney’s office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That’s the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can’t wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary."

Divorced Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present.. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have ‘Barbie goes to the gym’
for $19.95
..
‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95 ...
‘Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95 ...
‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95
.. and
‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00".
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture."

Viagra

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What’s the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that’s it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Fortune

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Not to worry,” Jack said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”
“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”
“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”
“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

The Birds and The Bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really fuck, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

The Kinsey Report

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, “Wow, who was she?”
A female voice followed with, “The hell with that ...Who was‘HE?’ “

Business

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” he said to her.“I don’t know,” replied the beautiful young woman. “It depends how personal it is.”“OK,” the guy said. “How many men have you slept with?”“I’m not going to tell you that!” the woman exclaimed. “That’s my business!”“Sorry,” said the guy, “I didn’t realize you made a living out of it.”

Managers & Engineers - 2

Once during a Management training program, a team of Senior Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So these Managers went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.
They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole thing is just a mess.
An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers,
Re-erects the flagpole and walks straight-away.
After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs …
"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!" Moral : No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you.

The Future of Social Networking Websites

On personal level I think the era of general social networking websites is coming to an end. Now its time for vertical social networking websites. As technology progresses and market diversifies, specialization clicks in. We can see that happening in each market space. Same will happen in social networking sites.

Time has come and we see a lot of vertical social networking sites. Fropper.com is already an Indian example of vertical social networking site specializing in relationships/dating. There are already few other websites with vertical focus. We will see more sites coming up with the similar concepts. Following categories will appear in the recent future:

• Social Networking sites made around linguistics and geographical identity
• Social Networking sites made around common associations (schools, colleges, religion, hobbies)
• Social Networking sites made around common need (parenting, education)
• Social Networking sites made around different age groups (Teen, Adults, Baby boomers, Old)
• Social Networking sites made around different professions (physicians, engineers, finance professionals, sales)
• Social Networking sites made around different social groups (lesbian, homosexuals, HIV patients)

The embedded future of internet money making through vertical social networking websites:

The affiliate marketing or advertisers will be and are minting money from these vertical social networks . Lure People interested in finding a specific group of network eg. caste groups such as brahmins (kokanastha/deshastha etc) and ask them to Sign up and earn a buck! Sounds easy. Just sigining up on these type of network ; one can earn about 0.10$ to 1.00$ which is a handsome amount.

Johnny Strikes Back

One day the teacher came to class with a rose placed in her cleavage.
She asked, "Can anyone tell me what roses drink? How about you, Johnny ?"
"Milk!" answered Little Johnny.
"No, I'm sorry. That's the wrong answer. Roses drink water," explained the teacher.
"Wow!" Johnny exclaimed. "I didn't know the stem was that long!"
***************************************************
Johnny returns from school and says he got an F in arithmetic.
"Why?" asks the father.
"The teacher asked 'How much is 2x3?' I said '6'"
"But that's right!" "Then she asked me 'How much is 3x2?"
"What's the fucking difference?"
"That's exactly what I said."
***************************************************
Liitle Johnny and his li'l sister are peeping through a keyhole at their parents making love
"Wow, look at them! And we are not allowed even to stick a finger in our nose!"
Johnny and his father are observing a couple of dogs screwing each other.
"Dad, what're the dogs doing?" asks Johnny.
"Well, the one below has relaxed and the one above has concentrated."
"Okay, I've understood."
"What've you understood!?" asks the father sarcastically.
"Never relax in your life, dad, or you'll get fucked like a dog!"
Johnny's parents were out of town once and so they asked that young female teacher to stay for that time in their house.
Before going to bed Johnny says to her "Oh, please, I'm so afraid to be by myself, please, sleep in my bed."
She agrees, they go to bed.
In the morning she wakes up to find a big hairy-chested man in her bed.
She exclaims: "Johnny? Where is Johnny?!!!"
"Johnny? Who is Johnny? Is that the little boy selling the tickets outside?"
Johnny is taking a shower with his mother and says, "Mom, what those things on your chest?"
Unsure how to reply, she tells Johnny to ask his dad at breakfast tomorrow, quite certain the matter would be forgotten.
Johnny didn't forget. The following morning he asked his father the same question.
His father, always quick with the answers, says, "Why Johnny, those are balloons. When your mommy dies, we can blow them up and she'll float to heaven."
Johnny thinks that's neat and asks no more questions.
A few weeks later, Johnny's dad comes home from work a few hours early.
Johnny runs out of the house crying hysterically, "Daddy! Daddy! Mommy's dying!"
His father says, "Calm down son! Why do you think Mommy's dying?"
Johnny replies, "Uncle Harry is blowing up Mommy's balloons and she's screaming 'Oh God, I'm coming'

Brain Teasers

A few nice brain teasers.
1. A murderer is condemned to death. He has to choose between three rooms. The first is full of raging fires, the second is full of assassins with loaded guns, and the third is full of lions that haven't eaten in 3 years. Which room is safest for him?
2. A woman shoots her husband. Then she holds him under water for over 5 minutes. Finally, she hangs him. But 5 minutes later they both go out together and enjoy a wo nderful dinner together. How can this be?
3. Can you name three consecutive days without using the words Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, or Sunday?
4. This is an unusual paragraph. I'm curious how quickly you can find out what is so unusual about it. It looks so plain you would think nothing was wrong with it. In fact, nothing is wrong with it! It is unusual though. Study it, and think about it, but you still may not find anything odd. But if you work at it a bit, you might find out.
ANSWERS:
1. The third. Lions that haven't eaten in three years are dead.
2. The woman is a photographer. She shot a picture of her husband, developed it, and hung it up to dry.
3. Sure you can: Yesterday, Today, and Tomorrow!
4. The letter "e" - the most common letter in the English language - is missing from the entire paragraph!

The Stories of Idiots

IDIOTS & RETAIL
I was signing the receipt for my credit card purchase when the clerk noticed that I had never signed my name on the back of the credit card. She informed me that she could not complete the transaction unless the card was signed. When I asked why, she explained that it was necessary to compare the signature on the credit card with the signature I just signed on the receipt. So I signed the credit card in front of her. She carefully compared that signature to the one I signed on the receipt. As luck would have it, they matched.

IDIOTS & GEOGRAPHY
After interviewing a particularly short-spoken job candidate, I described the person to my boss as rather monosyllabic. My boss said, "Really? Where is Monosyllabia?". Thinking that he was just kidding, I played along and said that it was just south of Elbonia. He replied, "Oh, you mean over by Croatia?"

ADVICE FOR IDIOTS
An actual tip from page 16 of the Hewlett Packard Environmental, Health & Safety Handbook for Employees: "Blink your eyelids periodically to lubricate your eyes."

IDIOTS IN THE NEIGHBORHOOD
I live in a semi-rural area. We recently had a new neighbor call the local township administrative office to request the removal of the Deer Crossing sign on our road. The reason: Many deer were being hit by cars and he no longer wanted them to cross there.

IDIOTS & COMPUTERS
My neighbor works in the operations department in the central office of a large bank. Employees in the field call him when they have problems with their computers. One night he got a call from a woman in one of the branch banks who had this question: "I've got smoke coming from the back of my terminal. Do you guys have a fire downtown?"

IDIOTS ARE EASY TO PLEASE
I was sitting in my science class, when the teacher commented that the next day would be the shortest day of the year. My lab partner became visibly excited, cheering and clapping. I explained to her that the amount of daylight changes, not the actual amount of time. Needless to say, she was very disappointed.

AN IDIOT'S IDIOT
Police in Radnor, Pennsylvania, interrogated a suspect by placing a metal colander on his head and connecting it with wires to a photocopy machine. The message "He's lying" was placed in the copier, and police pressed the copy button each time they thought the suspect wasn't telling the truth. Believing the "lie detector" was working, the suspect confessed.

Idiots on the computer

Any time you feel dumb, don't worry. Check out the following excerpts from a "Wall Street Journal" article by Jim Carlton. Lots of people are dumber than you.

1. Compaq is considering changing the command "Press Any Key" to "Press Return Key" because of the many calls asking where the "Any" key is.

2. AST technical support had a caller complaining that her mouse was hard to control with the dust cover on. The cover turned out to be the plastic bag the mouse was packaged in.

3. Another Compaq technician received a call from a man complaining that the system wouldn't read word processing files from his old diskettes. After trouble-shooting for magnets and heat failed to diagnose the problem, it was found that the customer labeled the diskettes by rolling them into a typewriter to type on them.

4. Another AST customer was asked to send a copy of her defective diskettes. A few days later a letter arrived from the customer along with Xeroxed copies of the floppies.

5. A Dell technician advised his customer to put his troubled floppy back in the drive and close the door. The customer asked the tech to hold on, and was then heard putting the phone down, getting up and crossing the room to close the door to his room.

6. Another Dell customer called to say he couldn't get his computer to fax anything. After 40 minutes of trouble-shooting, the technician discovered the man was trying to fax a piece of paper by holding it in front of the monitor screen and hitting the "send" key.

7. Another Dell customer needed help setting up a new program, so a Dell tech suggested he go to the local Egghead. "Yeah, I got me a couple of friends," the customer replied. When told "Egghead" was a software store, the man said, "Oh, I thought you meant for me to find a couple of geeks."

8. Yet another Dell customer called to complain that his keyboard no longer worked. He had cleaned it by filling up his tub with soap and water and soaking the keyboard for a day, then removing all the keys and washing them individually.

9. A Dell technician received a call from a customer who was enraged because his computer had told him he was "bad and an invalid". The tech explained that the computer's "bad command" and "invalid" responses shouldn't be taken personally.

10. An exasperated caller to Dell Computer Tech Support couldn't get her new Dell Computer to turn on. After ensuring that the computer was plugged in, the technician asked her what happened when she pushed the power button. Her response, "I pushed and pushed on this foot pedal and nothing happens." The "foot pedal" turned out to be the computer's mouse.

11. Another customer called Compaq tech support to say her brand-new computer wouldn't work. She said she unpacked the unit, plugged it in, and sat there for 20 minutes waiting for something to happen. When asked what happened when she pressed the power switch, she asked "What power switch?"

12. True story from a Novell NetWire SysOp: Caller: "Hello, is this Tech Support?"
Tech: "Yes, it is. How may I help you?" Caller: "The cup holder on my PC is broken and I am within my warranty period. How do I go about getting that fixed?" Tech: "I'm sorry, but did you say a "cup holder"?" Caller: "Yes, it's attached to the front of my computer." Tech: "Please excuse me if I seem a bit stumped; it's because I am. Did you receive this as part of a promotion, like at a trade show? How did you get this cup holder? Does it have any trademark on it?" Caller: "It came with my computer, I don't know anything about a promotional. It just has '4X' on it."
At this point the Tech Rep had to mute the caller, because he couldn't stand it. The caller had been using the load drawer of the CD-ROM drive as a cup holder, and snapped it off the drive!
Another well-known one that I can add is the true tale of the user who called up complaining that the instructions said to load the four diskettes into "Drive A" but he couldn't possibly get more than two in.

What is intelligence?

Two men were digging a ditch on a very hot day. One said to the other, "Why are we down in this hole digging a ditch when our boss is standing up there in the shade of a tree?" "I don't know," responded the other. "I'll ask him."
So he climbed out of the hole and went to his boss. "Why are we digging in the hot sun and you're standing in the shade?" "Intelligence," the boss said. "What do you mean, 'intelligence'?"
The boss said, "Well, I'll show you. I'll put my hand on this tree and I want you to hit it with your fist as hard as you can." The ditch digger took a mighty swing and tried to hit the boss' hand. The boss removed his hand and the ditch digger hit the tree. The boss said, "That's intelligence!"
The ditch digger went back to his hole. His friend asked, "What did he say?" "He said we are down here because of intelligence." "What's intelligence?" said the friend. The ditch digger put his hand on his face and said, "Take your shovel and hit my hand."

Advantages Of Being A Woman

Why it's better to be a Woman!
1. We got off the Titanic first.
2. We get to flirt with systems support men who always return our calls, and are nice to us when we blow up our computers.
3. Our boyfriend's clothes make us look elfin & gorgeous. Guys look like complete idiots in ours.
4. We can be groupies. Male groupies are stalkers.
5. We can cry and get off speeding fines.
6. We've never lusted after a cartoon character or the central female figure in a computer game.
7. Taxis stop for us.
8. Men die earlier, so we get to cash in on the life insurance.
9. We don't look like a frog in a blender when dancing.
10. Free drinks, Free dinners, Free movies ... (you get the point).
11. We can hug our friends without wondering if she thinks we're gay.
12. We can hug our friends without wondering if WE'RE gay.
13. New lipstick gives us a whole new lease on life.
14. It's possible to live our whole lives without ever taking a group shower.
15. We don't have to fart to amuse ourselves.
16. If we forget to shave, no one has to know.
17. We can congratulate our team-mate without ever touching her butt.
18. If we have a zit, we know how to conceal it.
19. We never have to reach down every so often to make sure our privates are still there.
20. If we're dumb, some people will find it cute.
21. We don't have to memorize Caddyshack or Fletch to fit in.
22. We have the ability to dress ourselves.
23. We can talk to people of the opposite sex without having to picture them naked.
24. If we marry someone 20 years younger, we're aware that we look like an idiot.
25. Our friends won't think we're weird if we ask whether there's spinach in our teeth.
26. There are times when chocolate really can solve all your problems.
27. We'll never regret piercing our ears.
28. We can fully assess a person just by looking at their shoes.
29. We know which glass was ours by the lipstick mark.
30. We have enough sense to realize that the easiest way to get out of being lost is to ask for directions.

10 Husbands, Still a Virgin

A lawyer married a woman who had previously divorced ten husbands.
On their wedding night, she told her new husband, "Please be gentle, I'm still a virgin."
"What?" said the puzzled groom.
"How can that be if you've been married ten times?"
"Well, Husband #1 was a sales representative: he kept telling me how great it was going to be.
Husband #2 was in software services: he was never really sure how it was supposed to function, but he said he'd look into it and get back to me.
Husband #3 was from field services: he said everything checked out diagnostically but he just couldn't get the system up.
Husband #4 was in telemarketing: even though he knew he had the order, he didn't know when he would be able to deliver.
Husband #5 was an engineer: he understood the basic process but wanted three years to research, implement, and design a new state-of-the-art method.
Husband #6 was from finance and administration: he thought he knew how, but he wasn't sure whether it was his job or not.
Husband #7 was in marketing: although he had a nice product, he was never sure how to position it.
Husband #8 was a psychologist: all he ever did was talk about it.
Husband #9 was a gynecologist: all he did was look at it.
Husband #10 was a stamp collector: all he ever did was... God! I miss him! But now that I've married you, I'm really excited!"
"Good," said the new husband, "but, why?"
"You're a lawyer. This time I know I'm gonna get screwed!"

The Buffalo Theory

One afternoon at Cheers, Cliff Clavin was explaining the Buffalo Theory to his buddy Norm.Here's how it went:

"Well ya see, Norm, it's like this... A herd of buffalo can only move as fast as the slowest buffalo. And whenthe herd is hunted, it is the slowest and weakest ones at the back that are killed first This natural selection isgood for the herd as a whole, because the general speed and health of the whole group keeps improving by the regular killing of the weakest members. In much the same way, the human brain can only operate as fast as the slowest brain cells. Excessive intake of alcohol, as weknow,kills brain cells. But naturally, it attacks the slowest and weakestbrain cells first. In this way, regular consumption of beer eliminates the weaker brain cells, making the brain a faster and more efficient machine.

That's why you always feel smarter after a few drinks

Funniest School Excuse Notes!

These are the top ten funniest excuse notes from parents collected by schools from all over this country.
1. Please excuse Lola for being absent. She was sick and I had her shot.
2. Jimmy has been absent yesterday because he had two teeth taken out of his face.
3. My daughter is under a doctor's care and should not take P.E. today. Please execute her.
4. Please excuse Jenny. She has been sick and under the doctor.
5. Sandra won't be in school a week from today. We have to attend her funeral.
6. Please excuse Holly from Jim today. She is administrating.
7. Kevin was absent from school yesterday because he was playing football. He was damaged in the growing part.
8. Amy could not come to school today because she was bothered by very close veins.
9. Please excuse Johnny for being. It was his father's fault.
10. Please excuse Jesse from school. He had very loose vowels.

American in hot Dubai

This following extract is taken from an American who moved to Dubai earlier this year...

April 30th:Just got transferred to work and live in beautiful Dubai, UAE! WOW!!! Now this is a city that knows how to live!!! Beautiful sunny days and warm balmy evenings. It's like New York City minus all the crocks, murderers, and drunks. What a place! I watched the sunset from a deck chair on my beautiful bedroom veranda. It was beautiful. I've finally found my home. I love it here.

May 13th:Really heating up. Got to 95 degrees today. Not a problem. Live in an air- conditioned home, drive an air-conditioned car, and everything is fully air-conditioned. What a pleasure to see the sun everyday like this. I'm turning into a sun worshiper.

May 30th:Had the backyard landscaped with tropical plants today around our lovely pool. Lots of palms and rocks. What a breeze to maintain. No more mowing lawn for me. Another scorcher today, but I love it here. Heat is no problem at all.

June 10th:The temperature hasn't been below 95 all week even during the night. How do people get used to this kind of heat? At least today it's kind of windy though. But getting used to the heat is taking longer than I expected.

July 15th:Fell asleep by the pool. Got 3rd degree burns over 90% of my body. Missed 5 days of work. What a dumb thing to do in this lovely city. I learned my lesson though. Got to respect the ol' sun in a climate like this.

July 20th:Kitty (our cat) sneaked into the car when I left for the office. By the time I got to the hot car for my lunch break, Kitty had died and swollen up to the size of a shopping bag and stank up the $60,000 Audi. I told the kids that she ran away. The car now smells like Wiskettes and cat shit. I learned my lesson though. No more pets in this heat.

July 25th:The wind sucks. It feels like a giant fucking hair dryer in here!!! And it's hot as hell. The home air-conditioner died. The fucking AC repairman charged 500 Dirhams just to drive over and tell me it was broken in fucking Hindu English or some language that I couldn't understand.

July 30th:Air conditioner still broken. Been sleeping outside by the pool for 3 nights now because it is 7000 fucking degrees inside. Bloody 2,000,000 Dirhams house and we can't even go inside. Why did I ever come here? Fuck the sun. Fuck the wind. Fuck the freakin' ocean. And fucking locals walk around dressed in white tablecloths followed by little black female ninjas. Fucking crazy town.

August 4th:It's 114 fucking degrees today. Finally got the ol' air-conditioner fixed. It cost 2,000 fucking Dirhams and got the temperature down to 25, but the fucking humidity makes the house feel 30 fucking Dubai degrees. Stupid terrorist repairman. I hate this stupid fucking place.

August 8th:If another local wiseass cracks, 'Hot enough for you today?' I'm going to fucking whack him all the way back to his goddamn desert. Fucking Dubai; by the time I get to work with all that fucking traffic and heat, the car's radiator is boiling over, my clothes are soaking wet, and I smell like a baked cat!!!

August 9th:Tried to run some errands today because it is fucking Friday. Wore shorts and sat on the black leather seats in my Audi. The seat was so fucking hot I thought my ass was on fire. I lost 2 layers of flesh and all the hair on the back of my legs and my fucking ass. Now my car smells like burnt hair, fried ass, and a baked cat.

August 10th:The weather report might as well be a fucking recording. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. Hot, humid and fucking sunny. It's been too hot to do anything for 2 damn months and the weatherman dude wearing the fucking white tablecloth on TV says it might really warm up next week. Does it ever rain in this damn fucking place? What is next, a fucking hell freezing over wave?

August 14th:WELCOME TO HELL!!! Temperature got to 120 today. Now the air-conditioner's gone in my fucking Audi. The fucking Audi serviceman said, 'Hot enough for you today?' Fuck him and fuck Audi. My wife had to spend the 7,000 Dirham to bail my ass out of jail for assaulting that stupid fucking Hindu bastard wiseass. Fuck Dubai! What kind of a sick demented fucking idiot would want to live in this shit hole?

August 15th: (Independence Day ?)Fuck this place. I'm off back to New York.

Bad Habits

Once a man was waiting for a taxi.
A beggar came along and asked him for some money. The man ignored him. But being a professional, the beggar kept on pestering him. The man became irritated when he realized that the beggar would not leave him alone unless he parts with some money.
Suddenly an idea struck him.He told the beggar, "I do not have money, but if you tell me what you want to do with the money, I will certainly help you." "I would have bought a cup of tea", replied the beggar.
The man said, "Sorry man. I can offer you a cigarette instead of tea". He then took a pack of cigarettes from his pocket and offered one to the beggar.
The beggar told, "I don't smoke as it is injurious to health."
The man smiled and took a bottle of whisky from his pocket and told the beggar, "Here, take this bottle and enjoy the stuff. It is really good".
The beggar refused by saying, "Alcohol muddles the brain and damages the liver".
The man smiled again. He told the beggar, "I am going to the race course. Come with me and I will arrange for some tickets and we will place bets. If we win, you take the whole amount and leave me alone".
As before, the beggar politely refused the latest offer by saying, "Sorry sir, I can't come with you as betting on horses is a bad habit."
Suddenly the man felt relieved and asked the beggar to come to his home with him. Finally, the beggar's face lit up in anticipation of receiving at least something from the man. But he still had his doubts and asked the man, "Why do you want me to go to your house with you".
The man replied, "My wife always wanted to see how a man with no bad habits looks like."

Salesman

A new vacuum cleaner salesman knocked on the door onthe first house of the street. A tall lady answered the door.
Before she could speak, the enthusiastic salesman barged into theliving room and opened a big black plastic bag and poured all the cowdroppings onto the carpet.
" Madam, if I could not clean this up with the use of this newpowerful vacuum cleaner, I will EAT all this s...!" exclaimed theeager salesman.
"Do you need chilli sauce or ketchup with that?" asked the lady.
The bewildered salesman asked, " Why, madam?"
"There's no electricity in the house..." said the lady.

Who the hell did it?

An 18 year old Italian girl tells her Mom that she has missed her period for 2 months. Very worried, the mother goes to the drugstore and buys a pregnancy kit. The test result shows that the girl is pregnant. shouting, cursing, crying, the mother says, 'who was the pig that did this to you? I want to know!' The girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Ferrari stops in front of their house. A mature and distinguished man with grey hair and impeccably dressed in an Armani suit steps out of the of the Ferrari and enters the house.

He sits in the livingroom with the father, mother, and the girl and tells them: 'Good morning, your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life. Additionally, if a girl is born, I will bequeath a Ferrari, 2 retail stores, a townhouse, a beachfront villa, and a $2,000,000 bank account. If a boy is born, my legacy will be a couple of factories and a $4,000,000 bank account. If twins, they will receive a factory and $2,000,000 each.

However, if there is a miscarriage, what do you suggest I do?' At this point, the girl's father, who had remained silent, places a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and tells him,
'You try again.'

Soap

Two priests are off to the showers late one night. They undress and step into the showers before they realize there is no soap.Father John says he has soap in his room and goes to get it, not bothering to dress. He grabs two bars of soap, one in each hand, and heads back to the showers. He is halfway down the hall when he sees three nuns heading his way.
Having no place to hide, he stands against the wall and freezes like he's a statue.
The nuns stop and comment on how life-like he looks.
The first nun suddenly reaches out and pulls on his manhood. Startled, he drops a bar of soap.
'Oh look' says the first nun, 'it's a soap dispenser'.
To test her theory the second nun also pulls on his manhood. Sure enough, he drops the second bar of soap.
Now the third nun decides to have a go. She pulls once, then twice and three times but nothing happens. So she gives several more tugs, then yells... 'Holy Mary, Mother of God, HAND LOTION TOO!'

More Sardar Jokes

Sardar's theory : Moon is more impt than Sun, coz it gives light at night when light is needed & Sun gives light during the day when light is not needed!!! ***********************************************
2 sardars are travelling in a car, the driver puts on the indicator and asks the other to check whether its working, he puts his head out and says YES...NO...YES...NO...YES...NO... ***********************************************
Sardar shouting 2 his girl friend " u said v will do register marriage and cheated me, I was waiting 4 u yesterday whole day in the post office.... ***********************************************
2 sardarjis looking at an Egyptian mummy.
Sar 1 : Look so many bandages, pakka lorry accident case.
Sar 2 : Aaho, lorry number is also written...BC 1760!!!.... ***********************************************
A sardar in an interview 4 da post of Detective.
Interviewer : who killed Gandhi?
Sardar : Thank u sir 4 giving me d job, I will start investigating....... ***********************************************
A sardar for an exam had studied only one essay 'FRIEND', but in the exam the essay which came was 'FATHER' . he replaced friend with father in the essay and>it read: AM A VERY FATHERLY PERSON, I HAVE LOTS OF FATHERS, SOME OF MY FATHERS ARE MALE AND SOME ARE FEMALE. MY TRUE FATHER IS MY NEIGHBOUR. ***********************************************
Interviewer: what s ur qualification?
Sardarji : Sir I am Ph.d. Interviewar : what do u mean by Ph.d?
Sardarji : (smiling) PASSED HIGHSCHOOL with DIFFICULTY.... ***********************************************
Amitab : In which state Cauvery flows?
Sardar : liquid state..... Audience clapped..
Amitabh stunned, looks behind, ALL WERE SARDARS

Efforts

A giant ship engine failed. The ship's owners tried one expert after another, but none of them could figure but how to fix the engine.
Then they brought in an old man who had been fixing ships since he was a young. He carried a large bag of tools with him, and when he arrived, he immediately went to work. He inspected the engine very carefully, top to bottom.
Two of the ship's owners were there, watching this man, hoping he would know what to do. After looking things over, the old man reached into his bag and pulled out a small hammer. He gently tapped something. Instantly, the engine lurched into life. He carefully put his hammer away. The engine was fixed!
A week later, the owners received a bill from the old man for Ten thousand rupees.
"What?!" the owners exclaimed. "He hardly did anything!"
So they wrote the old man a note saying, "Please send us an itemized bill."

The man sent a bill that read:
Tapping with a hammer...... ................. Rs. 2.00
Knowing where to tap.......... ......... ...... Rs. 9,998.00

Effort is important, but knowing where to make an effort makes all the difference

Yamaha YZF-R15

The YZF-R DNA based bike
YZF-R15
The specs latest specs from an insider at Yamaha.

• Engine Capacity: 150 cc
• Maximum Power: 24 BHP
• Price : INR 85,000
• Liquid Cooled Engine
• Fuel Injection
• Forged Piston
• 4 Valve Cylinder
• Link Type Monoshock Rear Suspension
• Delta Frame
• 6 Gears!!
• Front & Rear Disk Brakes

While yamaha is all geared up for the launch in August 2008. Mean time dool on the pictures.