Always tell your wife the truth

A lady tells her husband to go to the store to buy some cigarettes.

He walks down to the store only to find it closed. So he goes into a nearby bar to use the vending machine.

At the bar he sees a beautiful woman and starts talking to her.


They have a couple of beers and one thing leads to another and they end up in her apartment.

After they've had their fun, he realizes its 3AM and says, "Oh no, its so late, my wife's going to kill me. Have you got any talcum powder?"


She gives him some talcum powder, which he proceeds to rub on his hands and then he goes home.



His wife is waiting for him in the doorway and she is pretty angry. "Where the hell have you been?"

"Well, honey, it's like this. I went to the store like you asked, but they were closed. So I went to the bar to use the vending machine. I saw this great looking girl there and we had a few drinks and one thing led to another and I ended up in bed with her."

"Oh yeah? Let me see your hands!" She sees his hands are covered with powder and... "You God damn liar!!! You were playing pool again!!!"
*********
Moral of the story : Always tell your wife the truth. She won't believe you anyway.
*********

Smart Boy

First-grade teacher, Ms Neelam (Age 28) was having trouble with one of herstudents
The teacher asked,"Boy. what is your problem?"
Boy. answered, "I'm too smart for the first-grade. My sister is in thethird-grade and I'm smarter than she is! I think I should be in the third-gradetoo!"
Ms Neelam had enough. She took Boy to the principal's office.While Boy waited in the outer office, the teacher explained to the principalwhat the situation was. The principal told Ms Neelam he would give the boy atest and if he failed to answer any of his questions he was to go back tothe first-grade and behave. She agreed.
Boy was brought in and the conditions were explained to him and he agreed totake the test.
Principal: "What is 3 x 3?"
Boy.: "9".
Principal: "What is 6 x 6?"
Boy.: "36".
And so it went with every question the principal thought a third-grade shouldknow. The principal looks at Ms Neelam and tells her, "I think Boy. can go tothe third-grade."
Ms Neelam says to the principal, "I have some of my own questions.Can I ask him?"The principal and Boy. both agree.
Ms Neelam asks, "What does a cow have four of that I have only two of ?"
Boy., after a moment "Legs."
Ms Neelam: "What is in your pants that you have but I do not have?"
Boy.: "Pockets."
Ms Neelam: "What starts with a C and ends with a T, is hairy, oval, deliciousand contains thin whitish liquid?"
Boy.: "Coconut"
Ms Neelam: "What goes in hard and pink then comes out soft And sticky?"The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer, Boy.was taking charge.
Boy.: "Bubblegum"
Ms Neelam: "What does a man do standing up, a woman does sitting down and a dogdoes on three legs?"The principal's eyes open really wide and before he could stop the answer...
Boy.: "Shake hands"
Ms Neelam: "Now I will ask some "Who am I" sort of questions, okay?"
Boy.: "Yep."
Ms Neelam: "You stick your poles inside me. You tie me down to get me up. I getwet before you do."
Boy.: "Tent"
Ms Neelam: "A finger goes in me. You fiddle with me when you're bored. The bestman always has me first."The Principal was looking restless, a bit tense and took one largePatiala Vodkapeg.
Boy.: "Wedding Ring"

Ms Neelam: "I come in many sizes. When I'm not well, I drip. When you blow me,you feel good."
Boy.: "Nose"

Ms Neelam: "I have a stiff shaft. My tip penetrates. I come with a quiver."
Boy.: "Arrow"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' that means lot of heatand excitement?"
Boy.: "Firetruck"

Ms Neelam: "What word starts with a 'F' and ends in 'K' & if u don't get it uhave to use ur hand."
Boy.: "Fork"

Ms Neelam: "What is it that all men have one of it's longer on some men than onothers, the pope doesn't use his and a man gives it to his wife after they'remarried?"
Boy.: "SURNAME"

Ms Neelam: "What part of the man has no bone but has muscles, haslots of veins,like pumping, & is responsible for making love?"
Boy.: "HEART."

The principal breathed a sigh of relief and said to the teacher,"Send this Boy.to Harvard University, I got the last ten questions wrong myself!"

Coincidence

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, Told her a story and listened to her prayers which she ended by saying
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."

The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing
todo."

The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."

The next day the grandmother died.

Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the other side.

Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say,
"God bless Mommy and good-bye daddy."

He practically went into shock. He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office. He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock. He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay. He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at his watch and jumping at every sound.

Finally midnight arrived, he breathed a sigh of relief and went home. When he got home his wife said
"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"

He said "I don't want to talk about it, I've just spent the worst day of my life."

She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened here."

He asked "What"??????

She said "This morning our neighbour James suddenly died."

Cannibals - Joke

Three men who were lost in the forest were captured by cannibals. The
cannibal king told the prisoners that they could live if they pass a
trial. The first step of the trial was to go to the forest and get ten
pieces of the same kind of fruit. So all three men went separate ways to
gather fruits.
The first one came back and said to the king, "I brought ten apples."
The king then explained the trial to him. "You have to shove the fruits
up your butt without any expression on your face or you'll be eaten."
The first apple went in... but on the second one he winced out in pain,
so he was killed.
The second one arrived and showed the king ten berries. When the king
explained the trial to him he thought to himself that this should be
easy. 1...2...3...4...5...6...7...8... and on the ninth berry he burst
out in laughter and was killed.
The first guy and the second guy met in heaven. The first one asked,
"Why did you laugh, you almost got away with it?" The second one
replied, "I couldn't help it, I saw the third guy coming with
pineapples."

Highway Patrol Ball

A woman gets pulled over for speeding by a California Highway Patrol motorcycle officer.When he walked up to her window and opened his ticket book she said, “I bet you’re going to sell me tickets tto the Highway Patrol Ball.”

He replied, “No, highway patrolmen don’t have balls.”There followed a moment of silence while she smiled and he realized what he had said. He then closed his book, got back on his motorcycle and left.

Jeans

A man visits his doctor. "I think I have a problem, doc," said the patient. "One of my balls has turned blue." The doctor examined the man briefly and concluded the patient would die if they didn’t have his testicle removed. "Are you crazy?!" exclaimed the patient, "How could I let you do such a thing to me?" "Do you want to die?", asked the doctor rhetorically, and the patient had to agree to have his testicle removed.
But two weeks after the operation, he came back. "Doc, I don’t know how to say this, but the other ball has turned blue too." Again, the doctor told him that if he wants to live, his other testicle must be cut off too. And again, the man was very reluctant.. "Hey, do you want to die?", asked the doc, and the patient had to agree to the operation.
But, about two weeks after he is testicleless, he returned to the doctor. "I think something is very wrong with me. My penis is now completely blue." After briefly examining the patient once again, the doc gives him the bad news. If he wants to live, his penis has to go. Of course, he did not want to hear about it. "You really want to die?", asked the doctor. "But... how do I pee?" "We’ll install an plastic pipe, and there will be no problem."
So, the penis is removed and a while after the operation, the unfortunate man again returns the doctor’s office. He is very angry. "Doctor, the plastic pipe turned blue."
"What?" "Can you tell me what a hell is happening?" So, the doctor examined the patient more carefully this time, and says,"Hmmmm, I think its the jeans......"

Laloo's Speech in English

Extract of Laloo Prasad’s thank you speech in english to all his guests at the conclusion of his daughter’s wedding festivities:
" I THANK YOU ALL FOR COMING FROM BOTTOM OF MY HEART AND ALSO FROM MY WIFE’S BOTTOM"..

The Reverend John Fuzz was pastor of a small congregation in a little Pennsylvania town. One day he was walking down Main Street and he happened to notice a female member of his congregation sitting in the town bar, drinking beer. The reverend thought this was sinful and not something a member of his congregation should do, so he walked through the open door of the bar and sat down next to the woman.
"Mrs. Fitzgerald," the reverend said sternly. "This is no place for a member of my congregation. Why don’t you let me take you home?"
"Shure," she said with a slur, obviously very drunk.
When Mrs. Fitzgerald stood up from the bar, she began to weave back and forth. The reverend realized that she had had too much to drink and he grabbed hold of her arms to steady her. When he did, they both lost their balance and tumbled to the floor. After rolling around for a few seconds, the reverend wound up lying on top of Mrs. Fitzgerald, her skirt hiked up to her waist.
The bartender looked over the bar and said, "Here, here, buddy, we won’t have any of that carrying on in this bar."
The reverend looked up at the bartender and said, "But you don’t understand, I’m Pastor Fuzz."
The bartender nodded. "Well if you’re that far you may as well finish..."

The Good News & Bad News

A man sat in his attorney’s office.
"Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?" the lawyer said.
"Give me the bad news first."
"Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars."
"That’s the bad news?" asked the man incredulously. "I can’t wait to hear the terrible news."
"The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary."

Divorced Barbie

A man was driving home one evening and realized it was his daughter’s birthday and he hadn’t bought her a present.. He drove to the mall and ran to the toy store and he asked the store manager "How much is that new Barbie in the window?"
The Manager replied, "Which one? We have ‘Barbie goes to the gym’
for $19.95
..
‘Barbie goes to the Ball’ for $19.95 ...
‘Barbie goes shopping for $19.95 ...
‘Barbie goes to the beach’ for $19.95 ...
‘Barbie goes to the Nightclub’ for $19.95
.. and
‘Divorced Barbie’ for $375.00".
"Why is the Divorced Barbie $375.00, when all the others are $19.95?" Dad asked surprised.
"Divorced Barbie comes with Ken’s car, Ken’s House, Ken’s boat, Ken’s dog, Ken’s cat and Ken’s furniture."

Viagra

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital. "How are you grandpa? he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What’s the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn’t be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o’clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet ... and that’s it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so rushes off to question the Sister in charge. "What are you people doing," he says, "I’m told you’re giving an 85-year-old Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that can’t be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the Sister. "Every night at 10 o’clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Fortune

Jack decided to go skiing with his buddy, Bob. They loaded up Jack’s station wagon and headed north. After driving for a few hours, they got caught in a terrible blizzard. They pulled into a nearby farm house and asked the attractive lady of the house if they could spend the night.
“I’m recently widowed,” she explained, “and I’m afraid the neighbors will talk if I let you stay in my house.”
“Not to worry,” Jack said, “we’ll be happy to sleep in the barn.”
Nine months later, Jack got a letter from the widow’s attorney. He called up his friend Bob and said, “Bob, do you remember that good-looking widow at the farm we stayed at?”
“Yes, I do.”
“Did you happen to get up in the middle of the night, go up to the house and have sex with her?”
“Yes, I have to admit that I did.”
“Did you happen to use my name instead of telling her your name?”
Bob’s face turned red and he said, “Yeah, I’m afraid I did.”
“Well, thanks! She just died and left me everything!”

The Birds and The Bees

A father asked his son, Little Johnny, if he knew about the birds and the bees.“I don’t want to know!” Little Johnny said, exploding and bursting into tears.Confused, his father asked Little Johnny what was wrong.
“Oh Pop,” Johnny sobbed, “for me there was no Santa Claus at age six, no Easter Bunny at seven, and no Tooth Fairy at eight. And if you’re telling me now that grownups don’t really fuck, I’ve got nothing left to believe in!”

The Kinsey Report

During a course in human sexuality, the instructor was discussing various items in the Kinsey report.The class members gasped audibly when the instructor read out that a woman had several hundred orgasms in a single session.
A male voice said, “Wow, who was she?”
A female voice followed with, “The hell with that ...Who was‘HE?’ “

Business

A guy walked up to a beautiful young woman in a bar. “Do you mind if I ask you a personal question?” he said to her.“I don’t know,” replied the beautiful young woman. “It depends how personal it is.”“OK,” the guy said. “How many men have you slept with?”“I’m not going to tell you that!” the woman exclaimed. “That’s my business!”“Sorry,” said the guy, “I didn’t realize you made a living out of it.”

Managers & Engineers - 2

Once during a Management training program, a team of Senior Managers were given an assignment to measure the height of a flagpole. So these Managers went out to the flagpole with ladders and tape.
They're falling off the ladders, dropping the measuring tape - the whole thing is just a mess.
An Engineer comes along and sees what they're trying to do, walks over, pulls the flagpole out of the ground, lays it flat, measures it from end to end, gives the measurement to one of the managers,
Re-erects the flagpole and walks straight-away.
After the Engineer has gone, one Manager turns to another and laughs …
"Isn't that just like an engineer? We're looking for height and he gives the length!" Moral : No matter what good you do, Managers can always find fault in you.

The Future of Social Networking Websites

On personal level I think the era of general social networking websites is coming to an end. Now its time for vertical social networking websites. As technology progresses and market diversifies, specialization clicks in. We can see that happening in each market space. Same will happen in social networking sites.

Time has come and we see a lot of vertical social networking sites. Fropper.com is already an Indian example of vertical social networking site specializing in relationships/dating. There are already few other websites with vertical focus. We will see more sites coming up with the similar concepts. Following categories will appear in the recent future:

• Social Networking sites made around linguistics and geographical identity
• Social Networking sites made around common associations (schools, colleges, religion, hobbies)
• Social Networking sites made around common need (parenting, education)
• Social Networking sites made around different age groups (Teen, Adults, Baby boomers, Old)
• Social Networking sites made around different professions (physicians, engineers, finance professionals, sales)
• Social Networking sites made around different social groups (lesbian, homosexuals, HIV patients)

The embedded future of internet money making through vertical social networking websites:

The affiliate marketing or advertisers will be and are minting money from these vertical social networks . Lure People interested in finding a specific group of network eg. caste groups such as brahmins (kokanastha/deshastha etc) and ask them to Sign up and earn a buck! Sounds easy. Just sigining up on these type of network ; one can earn about 0.10$ to 1.00$ which is a handsome amount.